Don't Look in the Bargain Basement

... And Now For Something Completely Different

2008-05-31T21:00:00.006+08:00

I thought growing older and wiser meant that I would avoid repeating the mistakes of my past. Anyhow, long story short, here's me at 4am last Monday morning putting the finishing touches on my research paper due later that day. Just like every university assignment I ever did and probably even my high school assignments. Only difference nowadays is that the older the body gets, the harder it is to function on 90 minutes sleep a night. I guess back at uni I also didn't have to turn up to a job that required full brain function for 9 hours either.

With the the research paper out of the way and the final exam about 4 weeks away, I thought it would be an opportune time to do something a little different and relax. How to relax? Head down to see my good buddies at Future DVD and start catching up on some new release horror films.

Whilst I strive to provide information on the more obscure movies I come across, seeing as you could probably go elsewhere and find more in depth reviews of these movies below, I guess I'd better justify the existence of this blog by giving a brief lowdown on last night's viewings.

Halloween (2007): House of 1,000 Corpses was a good, quirky debut from Rob Zombie. The Devil's Rejects was a fantastic piece of exploitation cinema, one of my favourite recent horror movies. That in mind I was looking forward to see what Zombie would provide in his 're-imagining' of John Carpenter's 1978 classic.

In hindsight, I probably expected a bit much. Rob Zombie's Halloween is not a bad film, but by recreating scenes from the original, it only serves to make you realise how good the original was. The best sequences in the movie were Zombie's original scenes, predominantly the glimpses into Michael Myers' childhood. Although at one stage Kel did ask why Michael Myers became a psycho killer and not 'an hero'. The easy answer to that is because they didn't have iPods 15 years ago.

On the downside, I found that any suspense the movie generated was ruined by the constant cameos from Zombie chums and other B-grade stars. As fun as it is to see Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, Ken Foree et al show their faces on screen, it's hard to build suspense when I'm constantly marking out over cameo appearances - "Oh lawd it's Udo Kier, and he still can't good English speak like me do."

For mine, the best part of the DVD was the blooper reel, with Malcolm McDowell and Brad Dourif giving the crew their best Derek and Clive schtik. "F--k off, you dirty f--ker! A Bristol? A Bristol City? A f--ken titty!"

Recommended viewing only if you're a Gen Y aspie who hasn't seen the original (or if you haven't got enough Derek and Clive in your life) (2.5 out of 5)

Day of the Dead (2008): Again with the remakes. Although I fail to see any real connection with George A. Romero's original, other than including a mildly intelligent zombie called Bud. With all the running zombies, the fast cuts interspersed with slow motion sequences, a jerk who consistently sells out people to save himself and Ving Rhames, I thought this would have been better labelled as a sequel to the 2004 re-imagining of Dawn of the Dead rather than the original Day of the Dead. Wow, all these tenuous links between movies in Romero's universe, my head's spinning. Actually, the Romero universe is almost finding itself caught in that vortex of stupidity that is the Italian Zombi universe.

I think Ving Rhames turned up, got his paycheck, read the script, then told the producers to get him the f--k out of this movie pronto. Mena Suvari, being much smaller and much less of a hard ass than Ving, couldn't cut the same deal, "But guise, I was in American Beauty, I can act, for reals." The effects weren't too bad, but someone went a bit crazy on the CGI machine, because I didn't realise that zombies were made of highly flammable material and F--KING EXPLODE WHEN YOU SET FIRE TO THEIR SH-T.

Rip-offs and various grumbles aside, this movie was okay. Maybe it's just the fact that I haven't seen a remotely decent zombie movie in ages, but I thought Day of the Dead was fairly tight, fluff entertainment.

Recommended if you're low on vitamin Z and need something to get you through to Romero's Diary of the Dead (3 out of 5).

Day Watch: Wow. No, really. Wow. I loved Night Watch and had been eagerly anticipating this sequel. I was not disappointed. Well, unless you count not having the English subtitles that interacted with the movie like the first one (look, just get out Night Watch and watch it, you'll see what I'm talking about).

Look, these movies are like the f--ken Star Wars or Lord of the Rings movies those of us who like our horror. I'd struggle to adequately explain all of the nuances of the story, but basically, Night Watcher Anton is framed for the murder of a high ranking Day Watcher. The Day Watchers intend to use this to break the uneasy truce between the Day/Night watchers and start a war to destroy the Night Watchers. Anton spends the movie trying to prove his innocence, all the while trying to maintain some sort of relationship with his son, Yegor, who chose to side with the Day Watchers at the end of the first movie.

The story and the effects show a level of imagination I've not seen in a long time. That or the movie (based on a book) is just the side effect of an all vodka, potato and Communism diet.

Recommended if your only knowledge of Russian cinema is Red Dawn (4/5 out of 5).

Zombie 4 - After Death (1988)

2008-05-01T22:26:00.010+08:00

aka After Death

aka Zombie Flesh Eaters 3

Director: Clyde Anderson (aka Claudio Fragasso)

Writer: Rossella Drudi (aka Mrs Claudio Fragasso)

Part of the Shriek Show/Media Blasters Zombie Pack 3 movie box set

Plot Synopsis: A voodoo priest, angered by the fact that scientists couldn't save his daughter from cancer, opens the third gate to hell. In an uncanny coincidence, this raises the dead, who cause a wave of zombie violence (the best kind of violence!). A young girl (somehow) who escapes the carnage, then returns to the island many years later with a crack team of mercenaries. Why did she return? Don't know. Who opened the first two gates of hell? Don't know. Does this movie have the answers? Probably not.

Musings: Okay, this one can't wait. I've got a lot piled up to post (I've got a half finished Zombie Creeping Flesh from a couple of months back to finish), I should really look at posting Zombi 3 first, but this one just cant wait. You'll see why at the end of this post.

'Zombi' movie ordering doesn't really matter. Zombi 2 was an 'unofficial' (read: rip-off) sequel to George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead. Zombi 3 was the official sequel to Zombi 2 and was made in the same year as Zombie 4 (yes, Zombie, not Zombi): After Death, which I guess is an unofficial sequel to Zombi 3. Zombie 5: Killing Birds was made a year before Zombi 3 and Zombie 4. And that movie numbering doesn't take into account other movies that have had the Zombi title tacked on as an afterthought (an IMDb search turns up no less than 5 movies with the title Zombi 3, including Burial Ground, Zombie Holocaust and The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue). Don't get me started on the Romero's 'of the Dead' series remakes and the 3D remakes and the 25th anniversary bootlegs with additional footage. We may not be able to raise the dead, but between Hollywood and Italo-Hollywood (it's near Euro Disneyworld), Romero's zombies (and their poor Italian cousins the zombis) have certainly been re-animated more times than most people would care to remember.

Then again, I am not most people. I'll always remember.

In saying that though, this movie isn't that good. From a trash perspective, Zombie 4 doesn't really provide much trashy goodness on the surface. So it's really not 'so bad that it's good', it's just fairly shite with few redeeming qualities. At least it was only 85 minutes long, I guess.

So why the urge to get on-line and post a review? Firstly, I don't need to waste a lot of time on plot details. There are none. So much is presented without explanation that I think you can just use your imagination to fill in the gaps, it's just like a book (boring) except with pictures (brilliant!).

The movie gives us so many unanswered questions. How did the little girl get off the zombie infested island at the start of the movie? Why has she hooked up with a group of mercenaries twenty years later? Why are the mercenaries even near the island? How can a zombie curse affect an internal combustion engine? Since when do zombies talk and shoot guns?

I don't mind running zombies, like in the new Dawn of the Dead. I don't mind zombies learning stuff, like in Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead. But rule number 1 of zombie movies is: ZOMBIES DO NOT F--KING TALK. They can groan like incontinent old people or growl and hiss like large pissed off felines, but they can't converse in the English language. By giving them the ability to talk, you're indicating that they also have the ability to reason. Zombies can't be reasoned with. They will step to your shit and f--king eat you alive without saying a word. They're like ninjas, except for the decomposing flesh. And you can't become a ninja just by having a ninja slice you with a shiruken or just generally kicking your arse with their mad ninja skills.

The acting is so wooden you end up being thankful they decided to drape the zombies in black headscarves and paint their faces green/grey. I'm alerting you to this now so you don't make the same rookie error I did, that is, thinking this movie was some weird al-Qaeda propaganda film. 'Why have they got zombies chasing after those muslim people? Are they meant to represent the infidels, having been turned into mindless zombies by western consumerism? I've got it the wrong way around? Oh. So then why are the zombies muslim?'

The only character they decided to spend any effort on developing beyond a mere stereotype is the black character, Dan (Jim Gaines). I know this because on the boat early in the movie, he's listening to a ghetto blaster whilst smoking a crack pipe. That's f--king deep, man.

Zombie 4 apparently has a bit of a reputation for being quite gory, or so the wonderful book, Eaten Alive!, told me. I wasn't particularly impressed with the gore quotient in the movie. I was a little amused by one character who looked like zombies had chewed his nipples off. That was cool. But other than that, I thought the gore was pretty shitty.

The nudity (or should I say lack thereof) was also disappointing. I'm now 2/3rds of the way through the Zombie Pack and haven't seen a single nipple. Not even on the guys, because apparently zombies are into chewing them off now, or so it would seem. Zombie 5: Killing Birds better have a boobie in it or else I won't know what to do.

You're probably asking the question again, where's this urgent need to write a (tl;dr) review for a movie that I didn't appear particularly impressed with? Two words Basement Buffs: Jeff Stryker. Go on, enter those two words into your Google Image Search and see for yourself why I had to write this review. Gay porn actor Jeff Stryker (you may remember him from such films as Powertool, Strykin' it Deep and Can I Be Your Bratwurst, Please?) plays the male lead in this movie. A rare foray outside of the 'cock and bum fun' videos, but poor Jeff just couldn't escape working alongside stiff actors, could he? *boom-tish*

Final word: So anyway, after all of that junk about how cack this movie is, the real reason I just had to write this review so urgently is because of a really grotty joke I thought up at the end of the movie, after Jeff Stryker's character gets disemboweled by a zombie, but the zombie does it from behind, and it sticks a giant fist inside Jeff Stryker and... I've gone and forgotten the f--king joke now, haven't I? F---------CK!!!

Cost of box set - $35.95
Cost of movie - $11.98
Verdict - I'm sorry, I'm just so disappointed at forgetting the Jeff Stryker joke I just can't think of anything amusing for the verdict - $3.59 (1.5 out of 5)

Not Closed - Just Haven't Visited in a While

2008-04-30T19:21:00.002+08:00

The dream isn't over, the Basement isn't closed. A combination of a pregnant wife, work and study (and fairly regular poker, lets be honest) have greatly reduced the time I have to write anecdotes about the movies I love.

That's not to say that I haven't had the time to watch such movies though, as I've obtained membership with Planet Video, who have an awesome cult movie section. So expect to see reviews of Autopsy, Eaten Alive! and Twitch of the Death Nerve in the coming weeks.

In the meantime, I've also managed a brief sojourn to Melbourne, which took me back to my favouritest place in the world, Minotaur. I'm currently making my way through 'The Zombie Pack' (Zombi 3, 4 & 5), The Toy Box, Bone, Fight For Your Life and Emannuelle and the Last Cannibals as I write.

So keep an eye on that basement door... but then again the title of this blog tells you not to look in the bargain basement... so, umm, yeah. Be back soon!

Horror Rises From the Tomb (1973)

2008-02-24T13:14:00.006+09:00

aka El Espanto Surge de la Tumba aka Mark of the Devil 4

Director: Carlos Aured

Writer: Paul Naschy (aka Jacinto Molina)

Part of the St Clair Vision Cult Horror Collection 9 movie box set

Plot Synopsis: A road trip to the family castle goes pear shaped for Hugo and his friends. Turns out his ancestor was a 15th century satanist who was beheaded and buried under the family castle for being a very naughty boy. After Hugo and friends dig up the ancestor's head, the grateful head uses it's amazing severed head powers to force the castle's inhabitants to reunite head with body. Once reunited, fun and hijinx ensue as the revived satanist looks to jazz up the 1970's with some old school torture and mayhem. 15th century style.

Musings: Paul Naschy. A horror icon from the sunny shores of Spain (where the rain stays mainly on the plain, or so I've been told). Inducted into the Fangoria Hall of Fame. For some reason, my mouth waters every time I hear his name. Prior to Horror Rises From the Tomb (HRFTT) I had never had the privilege of watching a movie starring the man they call El Hombre Lobo (possibly also Spanish for fighting chicken, my Spanish no es bueno).

My research on this movie indicated that HRFTT is a gleefully over the top Eurotrash romp, providing plenty of the good stuff for those who are looking for a visually, but not intellectually stimulating diversion. A good introduction to the oeuvre of Mr Naschy's work apparently.

After watching the version of HRFTT contained in the Cult Horror Collection box set, I'll reserve my judgment on the trash cinematic merit of Mr Naschy. Lets just say that the version of HRFTT that appears in this box set appears to be been set upon by a pack of wild dogs, who have dined only on the sweetest of treats (i.e. the nudity and violence) and left me to pick the gristly bones of this celluloid carcass. Not only is the St Clair print heavily butchered, you'll need sea sickness tablets to help you through the first twenty minutes, as the film bobs up and down more than a Hilton in front of a night-vision camera. *burn*

As seems to be the style of the time, we're treated to a very gothic horror story, involving city folk heading country and falling foul of people from an older, simpler time. A time when it was okay for bloodlines to have more than a smidgen of cousin in it.

The plot synopsis above is as good a rub I can give the story, it's no bad, but then again it's no great either. The movie picks up the pace once the evil head is dug up and starts possessing mustachioed extras. The bodies start piling up nicely, but unfortunately in this heavily censored version, most of the killing is done off screen and the blood is kept to a minimum. If you want to know just how different the two versions are, just check this out.

Naschy plays about 47 different roles in HRFTT, most obviously doubling up as Hugo de Marnac and his evil satanist ancestor Alaric. Makes sense, I suppose. What doesn't make sense is why Alaric's English dubbed voice makes him sound like a native American Indian. Sounds out of place during the opening sequence when he and his evil mistress are executed by the knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (but not the knights who say "Ni!").

For all it's flaws, this particular version of HRFTT does still provide sexy dames and plenty of them. Notwithstanding the censored print, there's still plenty of lingerie frolicking to be had, most ably led by Euro-babe, Helga Line. I can see why Naschy insisted on wearing that oversized cape for the duration of the movie, no-one wants to be caught with an on screen chubby.

Final word: I realise I'm paying bargain basement prices, I don't expect to see a Michael Bay-esque special effects extravaganza, but I do have to draw the line when the bad guy in a movie dies from a bad case of standing up too quickly.

Cost of box set - $13.95
Cost of movie - $1.55
Verdict - As part of a box set it's 60c worth of mild entertainment, but if you're after this movie in particular, save your pennies for the uncut version (2 out of 5)

The Devil's Nightmare (1971)

2008-02-10T20:27:00.003+09:00

aka La Plus Longue Nuit du Diable (I think that's Spanish for 'fighting chicken')

aka Castle of Death

aka Nightmare of Terror

aka Succubus

Plus plenty more aka's where that came from!

Director/Writer: Jean Brismee

Producer/Writer: Charles Lecocq

Part of the St Clair Vision Horrorlicious 9 movie box set

Plot Summary: Seven Contiki travellers end up getting some dodgy directions and end up at an ancient castle. On the itinerary - hot lesbian action (Contiki tours kick ass)! Not on the itinerary - death and gaudy furnishings - as the castle is owned by a family that made a deal with the devil centuries ago. Part of the deal: the eldest daughter of each generation must serve the devil by becoming a succubus.

Musings: I purchased the Horrorlicious box set for the sole reason that it had The House on the Edge of the Park on one of the discs. Even a sh-tty VHS transfer of Ruggero Deodato's 80's nasty was easily worth the $22 Australian clams (probably because the film is banned to this day on these shores). If any one of the other 8 movies in the box set was even remotely watchable, I'd be in the black with this box set.

The pre-credit sequence starts off in WWII. We know this because the action sequences are shown to us in sepia tones, because the Kaiser stole our colours, see? We cut to a birth sequence in an SS bunker, the result of which sees the mother die during childbirth then the father (some SS official) kills the child on accounts of it being deficient in the Y chromosome. C'mon, this isn't modern China. Nor did it look ginger, although with the sepia effects it's hard to tell. What really sets this movie apart from mainstream crap is that we get to see the baby get stabbed. On screen. In living... sepia? Now there's something you don't see every day (I really should post a separate thread on that... another time perhaps).

Post credits we fast forward to the present and we have a bit of padding where a reporter is interviewing the SS offical guy who stabbed the baby. Obviously not about that in particular, because unlike me she didn't watch the pre-credit sequence. Anyway, turns out he's a Baron and she's asking questions about the Baron's castle and his family's curse.

After leaving the castle, the inerviewer gets pwned by some unseen assailant then we cut to our Contiki tourists. They end up off course and take directions from a guy who looks like a NAMBLA member. The weird dude with the poncey white gloves directs them to the Baron's castle. Seriously, would you take directions from someone who looks like this:

Between this point and them settling into the castle, the film establishes that they're all avatars for the seven deadly sins. At least it tries to, some characters' sins are glaringly obvious: Porky who eats a chicken drumstick whilst driving the bus and has a giant cured salami (!) in his suitcase is obviously the sin of gluttony. Then there's the blonde who spends the movie looking like she's about to nod off, sloth. But after watching the movie twice, I can't pick who is supposed to be envy.

Well, envy could have been me after the next bit. Once our weary travellers settle into the Baron's castle, the slothy blonde and the lustful brunette retire to their room for some (say it with me now people) Hot... Lesbian... Action! Never have I more wanted to be a gaudy 70's bedspread than after watching this scene:

As I watched this with the lovely Mrs Beat, I had to make the bold call. I announced, "This movie is the greatest thing man has ever done." She then pointed out that no men were actually involved in the scene in question. "You've won this round." As a side note here, I'll never understand why women don't get as excited about women on women action as we men do. I guess it's one of life's little mysteries, like what those sinky looking things with mirrors above them in the toilets at work are.

Back to our movie (I'm digressing a lot here, look, there I go again). As the travellers are eating dinner, a ~~guest~~ hot guest arrives at the castle looking for shelter. The maid tries to turn the guest away, sensing she was going to miss out on all the drunk, horny, male Contiki traveller action if she lets this stunner in. The butler (no doubt already heightened after sensing the HLA from the earlier scene) uses his power of veto to allow her to stay the night.

Big whoopsy, turns out she's actually the Baron's eldest daughter which means she's also a deadly succubus. A hot deadly succubus, played with fervour by flame haired Euro-hottie Erika Blanc. She absolutely burns the celluloid as the minxy succubus, especially in the scenes where she unsuccessfully tries to seduce the young priest (perhaps dropping 20 years followed by a change in gender might have done the trick).

The movie kind of levels out after this, as succubus starts doing away with the travellers by using their weaknesses to seduce them to their deaths. These death scenes are not overly gory, what with most of the film's budget being taken up with Ms Blanc's skimpy outfits and green-face succubus make-up. They even give up on the seven deadly sins motif come the third or fourth death scene. But so far as geting the creeps goes, I don't think I've been as grossed out as I was with close ups of chubbsy-ubbsy's greasy hands and face as he eats himself to death. Take that David Fincher.

On the negative side, the story doesn't really deviate once the killings start and most of the deaths are telegraphed well in advance. However on the plus side, the film has a awesome gothic aesthetic that only the 1970's could have produced. There's also a funky, theramin-influenced score, and the movie's theme song with the female vocal sounds awfully familiar. Sounds like something off one of those Ministry of Sound Chillout CD's, but I just can't pick it. And I don't know if I've mentioned it earlier, but a huge plus for this movie is that there's this scene where there's two girls, and they're like smelling each other's hair and kissing and stuff. If only Strike of the Tortured Angels had some of that in it, maybe it wouldn't have been so mediocre.

Final word: Don't let the lack of on-screen violence put you off this gothic little horror ditty. This movie is a good primer for what 70's Eurotrash was all about. A flimsy theme, poor dubbing and chicks getting it on for no good reason. Gold!

Cost of box set: $22.00
Cost of movie: $2.44
Verdict: $1.95 per minute to speak to two beautiful women at once (4 out of 5)

Strike of the Tortured Angels (1982)

2008-01-27T23:57:00.000+09:00

Director: Roy Rosenberg

Producer: Kenneth Holl

Writers: Gary Capra Jr. & Dick O'Nell

Part of the Grindhouse Collection 20 Movie Box Set

Plot Synopsis: (Oh, where do I start?) Susan vows revenge on the doctor responsible for her sister's suicide. Well, he did knock her sister up then told her to have an abortion, not cool bro. But first she must escape from the women's correctional facility she's in. Did I mention he's also sleeping with her mother to further his medical career?

Musings: I had enough trouble writing the synopsis, how the f--k am I going to review Strike of the Tortured Angels (STA)?

Lets start by saying that this one is part of the Women-in-Prison double bill in the Grindhouse Collection Box Set? Can't say I'm an afficionado of the WIP genre, but from what I've ascertained they're mostly sleazy affairs, with plenty of violence(!), plenty of skin(!!) and plenty of hot lesbian action(!!!). This one has minimal violence(¡), minimal skin(¡¡) and even less HLA(¡¡¡). *cough*

In fact, for those looking for sleaze, I'll give you the only scene in the movie that could be considered even remotely 'cheeky':

Normally, the lack of exploitative elements would garner a 'nuff said. Especially after watching the 1st movie on the double bill, the delightfully scuzzy Women's Camp 119. But like some 80's cartoony thing I can't quite put my finger on, there's more to STA than meets the eye.

The storyline is possibly the most convoluted I've seen in any of these box sets so far, and would make perfect fodder for daily soap opera garbage. The above synopsis doesn't quite do it justice.

Let's see, our 'tortured angel' heroine, Susan, is sent to a reformitory because after she finds out her sister's boyfriend is also rutting her mother (to further his medical career), she gets crazy mad and goes to a party where she glasses Chip from My Three Sons.

The aforementioned sister kills herself after falling pregnant and having the sweaty doctor boyfriend telling her to abort it (seriously, in that scene, they're supposed to have just, like, done it and he is totally sweaty). Susan freaks out over her sister's death and breaks out of the reformitory with two fellow inmates.

With all the problems with racism at the cricket lately, I've been reluctant to bring this next bit up for fear of inciting global riots. But given the likelihood of this being read, I'll come out with it. One of Susan's offsider 'tortured angels', Julie, is an African-American character being played by a clearly Asian actress:

Yep, that's clearly an afro wig and she's clearly covered in Nugget. However, this character is only mildly racially offensive (and mostly hilarious - "I have a dark skin, that's true.") until we find out that the character has tuberculosis. That is soooooo not cool. There was a line, STA crossed it.

Anyway the "Negrasian" has this boyfriend on the outside, he's in a band. He brings her 'tea' to help with her TB, which probably would have been fine in the days of Pliny the Elder, but this is 1982. If I was that Negrasian, I'd be all like, "Oh no you di-in't! Damn cracka ass Asian and yo' herbal tea shee-it. Real nigga would have gotten me some of that sticky-icky-icky baby. Now you best get yo' ass some ginseng to fix my foot being in yo' cracka nuts.". Then I'd snap my fingers a couple of times then kick his honkey Asian arse.

So after the girls break out, they have to try and stay one step ahead of the completely inept prison guard (should have got the Dog, he'd have sorted their sh-t out for real, then he'd tell them to go with Christ). They also plot to kill the doctor, who dumps Susan's mother to marry the daughter of some other doctor to assist his medical studies even more.

The ending is set on the old ransom movie standard suspension bridge where our sleazy doctor shoots the Negrasian then 'fesses up and blames all his behavioural problems on his parents being unable to give him the attention he needed. *cough* And all the while through his teary speech I think he's still trying to mack on Susan to nail the family trifeca. I can't blame him for trying, Susan is hella hot.

Like pretty much all of the movies in these cheap box sets, this is a direct transfer from a VHS original and this time around we're watching a copy in dubbed English with Danish subtitles. When I say English dubbing, I mean English dubbing. Most of the minor male characters sound like a strained Austin Powers, with one being a dead ringer for Oprah's minge. And the dinner for the sleazy doctor at the end sounds like Austin Powers in Munchkinland.

Being a VHS transfer, it's presented in 4:3 aspect ratio and it's noticably cropped. This problem is most notable in the shot of sign where we're supposed to find out the girls are being transferred to a correctional facility (at least the subtitles helped:

The Final Word: As a WIP movie this provides no value whatsoever. It's a typically polite, dignified Asian spin on a genre that you generally want to watch because you want to feel icky and slightly aroused for watching it. But on that basis, this movie is an oddity that deserves a watch. Perhaps only one though, as a second viewing might just cause the following symptoms:

Cost of box set: $59.95
Cost of this movie: $3.00
Verdict: Seeing as I have no cigarettes to use as currency, I'll just have to give this $1.20 (2 out of 5)

The Children (1980)

2008-01-22T20:38:00.000+09:00

aka The Children of Ravensback

Director: Max Kalmanowicz

Producers: Max Kalmanowicz, Carlton J. Albright

Part of the Grindhouse Experience 20 Movie Box Set

Plot: ~~A canteen ecstasy spiking~~ A nuclear spill turns the children of Ravensback into remorseless hugging machines.

Musings: Don't get me wrong here, DVD's are great, sure. A cheap medium that provides a very high quality viewing experience. But sometimes I feel that DVD's are too clean, too polished, too... safe. Scratch on your disc inhibiting your viewing? That's okay, you can buff it out, make the picture as good as new again. DVD is a happy meal commodity for the disposable world in which we live.

I'll admit it. I miss the heady days of VHS video. I miss having control over the quality of the picture I'm watching by gin-arseing about with tracking controls. I miss the fact that the picture would age with repeated viewings, altering your experience with each viewing. Most of all, I miss this:

A permanent blight on your viewing experience, something no amount of your fancy, city style remastering will ever fix.

Sorry, where was I? That's right, The Children. The movie that gets made when some guy watches George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead, then uses it as a basis to drag out the slogan, "You can't hug your children with nuclear arms" into a 90 minute feature film.

I'm sounding like I didn't like this movie. Not quite true. I just enjoy making sarcastic sounding remarks because it makes me feel like a big man.

The Children is quite a creepy little chiller. Another unexpected surprise in the VHS transfers that comprise my Grindhouse Collection DVD box set.

A late school bus arouses suspicion in the town of Ravensback. Upon investigation, the police find that a nuclear leak has turned the children into black polish wearing, long fringed having hug-a-lots. No they don't turn into f--king emos, they become zombie kids that turn you into a pot roast if they get their hands around you.

Being zombie kids, you can't kill them by shooting them. Because they're zombies, the only way you can kill them is by cutting off their... hands? WTF? Looks like they spent all their money on the char grill effects, because the effects where the kids get their hands cut off are kind of lame. Kind of, really lame:

The acting is all Z-grade standard, there's no 'name actors' here that I immediately recognise. On the plus side, this means that there's not much ridiculous overacting, meaning the scenes of tension when the kids close in on their adult prey are effective enough. However this doesn't excuse other scenes, take for example the scene where the cop accidentally stumbles onto the set of Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" video:

Horror movies can sometimes sink or swim on a quirky premise. Some people find the killer in the original Black Christmas the most genuinely scary killers in modern slashers. I thought the original Black Christmas was shit because the killer did not creep me out one iota. But to show there's no accounting for taste, most people deride the killer in The New York Ripper because he quacks like a duck. I liked that, it worked on me. Where is this paragraph heading? Without detracting too much from the movie, I still kind of snickered thinking about Dr. Evil whenever the kids stretched out their arms in this movie. I was just waiting for the, "Hug... Hug... Hug..." to start.

But if this movie has taught me anything, next time I have a shotgun and I see some sinister looking kids hanging around out the front of my store, I'm just going to shoot them, end of f--king story.

Cost of box set: $59.95
Cost of movie: $3.00
Verdict: If I give these kids $2.10 hopefully they'll leave me the f--k alone (3.5 out of 5)

Three Tough Guys (1974)

2008-01-21T20:44:00.000+09:00

aka Tough Guys

aka Uomini Duri (Italy)

Director: Duccio Tessari

Producer: Dino De Laurentiis

Rhythm: The Isaac Hayes Movement (yesss!)

Part of the Grindhouse Experience 20 Movie Box Set

Plot: A priest investigating the murder of a friend finds an ally in an ex-cop attempting to clear his name after a robbery gone wrong. Their paths collide as they track down the man they believe responsible for both crimes, Joe Snake.

Musings: I haven't been to the movies in ages. So sick of paying $15 to see the same old crap being churned out by the Hollywood beige machine (it appears the 'writers' have been on strike since about 1987). Cop/crime action movies are all so lame these days. "Lets have a buddy movie with a fast talking black dude and a kung fu guy?" *yawn* "Lets have a buddy movie with a crazy white guy and an uptight black guy?" *zzz* "How about a buddy movie with a killer robot who travels through time to save his buddy who is a talking pie." *sleep apnoea*

What I'd really like to see is a movie about a tough priest, who is an ex-con with a heart of gold. Yeah! And I want to see him team up with an ex-cop who was kicked off the force because his partner was killed. Meh, that's lame. What if his partner was killed because the ex-cop left his post to make love to his woman? Hell yeah! And that ex-cop is played by Isaac Hayes, who also provides the music for the film? Dyno-mite! But no-one's ever going to make a movie like that, except maybe Ivan Reitman (because he's fantazic, a geeenius). I bet I'm the only person who reads this webpage ~~and finds that joke amusing~~.

Imagine my surprise when I pop my Grindhouse Collection blaxploitation DVD in the player and my dreams were answered by the unmistakable velvet tones of Isaac Hayes, singing the theme song about a priest and an ex-cop who are 'two tough guys'. "But hang on Corey, isn't this fillum called Three Tough Guys?" I think there may have been some problems during casting, most likely when casting Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson as bad guy Joe Snake. It probably went down a little like this:

Movie Guy: Fred, we're making this movie about a priest and an ex-cop solving crimes. We're calling it Two Tough Guys. Are you interested in a role as the bad guy?

F'TH'W: If I'm in this movie you best be changing the title to Three Tough Guys, honky.

MG: But Fred, Isaac Hayes has already sung the theme song...

F'TH'W: You change that title, baby, else I'm gonna beat yo' ass so bad, you'll be the only cripple in heaven with a wheelchair.

MG: Three Tough Guys it is.

The plot sees the unlikely duo teaming up to jointly solve their problems, and is the equal of any of the dreck served up by Hollywood in the last 20 years. The priest is trying to solve the murder of a friend who was murdered investigating a robbery, the same robbery Isaac Hayes lost his job for. The clues initially point both our heroes and the bumbling cops in the direction of an Italian crime boss, but the duo eventually work out that the jive talkin' Joe Snake is the real mastermind.

I could be here all night waxing lyrical about this movie. It's not everyday you see a movie about a crime fighting Italian priest who rides his bike to follow the trail of clues? And it's even fewer days that you see one smacking pimps around with his deadly treadly.

The priest is a pretty hardcore dude, but he's no Isaac Hayes. All Scientology issues aside, Isaac Hayes was one bad mofo in the 70's (right on!). In this movie, he loses his job because he was 'on the job' when he should have been 'on duty'. He puts the Naked Chef to shame by cooking eggs on an iron(!). He smacks his bitch up with a fervour that would land you in jail in these politically correct days (Domestic violence? Australia says 'Shaft'). And he beats the snot out of some bad guys, and then proclaims that they scared the piss right out of him whilst he urinates on them. I don't use the word hero very often...

In any normal cop buddy movie, there's usually an angry cop busting the balls of our renegade hero cops. With Isaac Hayes playing an ex-cop, he's got no-one to break his balls (except maybe the incompetent, racist cops). But the priest, he's got to answer to the Monsignor and this Monsignor breaks balls for the lord.

If I have one gripe about this movie, it's that Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson's Joe Snake is probably an underused and underdeveloped character. I wanted more than just the little taste of the leather wearing, smooth talking, bitch slapping playa from the Eastside. But I suppose I got just about everything else on the wish list, so I won't complain too loudly, baby.

Three Tough Guys is a genuinely cheesy slice of spaghetti blaxploitation(!). It reeks of 70's, from the sartorially splendid pimpwear, to the trouser expanding ho's. From the convertible Caddys, to the funkin' Isaac Hayes score. To summarise, best you get that cheddar out and buy this movie honkies, else this playa hater is going to be throwing some salt in yo' game, beeyatches.

Cost of box set: $59.95
Cost of this movie: $3.00
Verdict: It's Shaft's big score. Worth at least $3.00 in dead presidents, baby (5 out of 5)

Memorial Valley Massacre (1988)

2008-01-17T20:51:00.000+09:00

aka Valley of Death

Director: Robert C. Hughes

Writers: Robert C. Hughes & George Francis Skrow

Part of the St Clair Vision Cult Horror Collection Box Set

Plot: The still under construction Memorial Valley Campsite opens in time for the Memorial Day weekend, but the park rangers have their hands full as someone (or something) will resort (ha!) to extreme measures to ensure the campers stay away, for ever.

Musings: I was contemplating reviewing The Children, the horror movie on the same disc as Demon Witch Child on the Grindhouse Collection Box Set, getting that one out of the way (I've got a backlog of reviews to write which is holding me up from watching anything new). However Perth suffered a 41.3C day (for those people who haven't yet joined the 20th century and converted to metric, that's like 492 degrees farenheit), which meant it was still about 38 degrees when I left work and because I left work a little late, I missed the express bus and had to take the long route home on one of these fancy new buses that don't have windows that can be opened to allow natural ventilation, with about 90-odd other ~~sardines~~ commuters to get myself home to my not yet airconditioned home. The Australian cricket team are currently getting pwned in the 3rd test. And finally, I'm deep into my second week of a raging bout of insomnia (great way to start the new year). Yeah, I think I'm in just the right mood to review Memorial Valley Massacre.

I'm generally a fairly positive minded person. That is, even when I'm watching a movie that's fairly cack, I still have respect for the people behind it because I know I don't have the talent to be involved in any part of creating a piece of celluloid (some quote about a critic not being able to drive the car, but knowing the way there, I don't know). Hell, there are times when I can barely get this blog off the ground.

But like a dodgy occy strap, my positivity can only be safely stretched so far. And when it snaps, someone is going to lose an eye.

Is Memorial Valley Massacre (hereafter MVM) all bad? Pretty much, although with many trash movies, it often boils down to personal taste, and often what mood you're in (or possibly 'chemically' out of) when you're watching it. Some on-line reviewers treat this movie as a horror/comedy, although I can't be sure whether the supposed comedy moments are intentional or unintentional. Personally, I don't think the Americans can pass off terrible dialogue as amusingl as the Europeans can. Perhaps their tenuous grip on the English language helps in this regard. I meant the Europeans there.

The killer in MVM is supposed to be some kind of caveman (*cough*). Tip for young horror movie players: make sure your killer doesn't looks like someone that your average spotty teenage viewer could take out with a few poorly timed girly slaps.

We do have some B-movie regulars to keep things interesting. Cameron Mitchell turns up for about 5 minutes as the owner of the campsite. He may have had a bigger role to play in MVM, but no doubt went on a liquor and titties bender not long after shooting started. Actually, given the lack of nudity in this movie (one PG-13 sex scene and one wet t-shirt scene? C'mon, it's set in the classic 80's breeding ground for sex and violence: a campsite), I probably would have ~~too~~ anyway. John Kerry at least stuck around for the duration, playing head ranger George Webster in what appears to be an alcohol induced torpor. William Smith plays a gruff veteran and is my prime suspect for the murder of the dog at the beginning of the movie due to his exceptionally gravelly voice. If only they had've given Smithy the role of George Webster, this movie could possibly have rivalled Pieces as a piece of trash gold.

The minor characters are for the most part obnoxious (obnoxious bikers, obnoxious fa kid, obnoxius teens), yet there's still not much joy to be had in watching them get offed by Captain Caveman. The murders are not particularly gruesome, although the biker falling into the pit of spikes almost gets the happy neurons firing.

The plot offers nothing new, and is typical campsite slasher fare. Tip for young screenwriters: If you want your movie to have some sort of suprise emotional twist ending, remember to drop subtle hints throughout the movie and reveal the surprise in the last scene. Don't drop obvious clues that turkey slap your audience into solving the mystery by the end of the second act. "Hmm, the head ranger is a tracker who lost his son many years ago. The caveman looks in his late teens/early 20's." Gee, I wonder who the f--king caveman is, jerkasses.

Perhaps my biggest problem with this movie is that it was just bland. The humour isn't that funny. The tension the film tries to build isn't that gripping. The characters aren't that likeable. The sex scenes aren't that alluring. The death scenes aren't that gruesome. Put bluntly the shitty parts aren't really shitty enough.

For a movie that contains the word 'massacre' in its title, there's very little massacaring going on. Sure, a lot of people die, but it just didn't feel like a massacre. Less people died in Texas Chainsaw, but after you've watched that one you know you've sat through a real (well, fictional but based on a real) massacre. A more fitting title for MVM might have been "Memorial Valley Mild Violence and Overall Unpleasant Experience".

Cost of box set - $13.95
Cost of movie - $1.55
Verdict - You'd get change out of 15c (0.5 out of 5)

Footnote 1: It's funny that I'm currently in the middle of a bad insomnia bout, because I usually use such opportunities to catch up on my shitty movies. MVM is one I started during one such period of insomnia about 4 months ago. If the makers of this movie haven't recouped their budget from distribution, I might suggest marketing this to chemists as a herbal sleeping aid, as it took me 5 attempts to get through this one without falling asleep. As an added bonus, they can market it as a non-addcitive substance because I have absolutely no desire to watch this cack again (even grabbing the screen caps is killing me).

Footnote 2: So distressed was I after seeing this movie, I watched the entire closing credits to see who would be involved in such an atrocity, then taking their names in case I decide to grease myself up and smash their places up with a baseball bat. Anyway, right at the end, this one bloke's name pops up in a font that's about half the size of all the other credits:

What the hell did Doug Forsmith do to deserve this indignity? (alliteration assaults ass!) Then again, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise because blind people like me now don't know who he is, and can't hunt him down like a dog for being involved in this dog of a movie.

Tooling around

2008-01-13T16:29:00.000+09:00

Okay, things might change around here (still tinkering with the layout, and I might still go back and change the odd review after it has been posted), but it's cool at the moment because no-one is listening (or reading for that matter) anyway.

In my original plans for this blog, I was looking at rating my movies on a dollar value basis in comparison to the cost of the movie relative to the box set (glaven). I'm still tossing up over whether that is the best way to go or not, seeing as Pieces only cost me $1.55 as part of the Cult Horror Collection, but is easily worth at least half the value of that box set ($13.95). And by limiting the value of each movie within a box set to its cost, the total value provided by each movie in the box set will never exceed the total cost of that box set (meaning no box set will ever provide you with value for money by my logic - glaven).

Perhaps the best way to go is with a value and a star rating. That way using value to rate a movie provides me with a dynamic criteria showing the value for money of any box set (by showing what I would pay for the movie in its own right), and a star rating should satisfy people who are looking for a more traditional, static measure of a movie's worth.

Whatever, I'm really just writing this in procrastination because I'm trying to avoid doing a tax opinion paper on my weekend!

Demon Witch Child (1975)

2008-01-12T22:14:00.000+09:00

aka La Endemoniada

aka The Possessed

Writer/Director: Amando de Osso(rio) - damn you, pillarboxing demons!

Part of the Fortune 5 DVD Grindhouse Experience Box Set

Plot Synopsis: A leader of a satanic cult of witches accused of stealing a baby throws herself to her death from police headquarters to avoid an intense grilling from The Man. Her offsider vows revenge and uses the voodoo that she do to possess the child of the police commissioner with the spirit of the now deceased witch. Profanity, murder and hijinx ensue.

Musings: First and foremost, lets get one thing out of the way here. I believe I'm a relatively tolerant person. I'm not going to go to the extent of saying, "Some of my best friends are *insert random phobia here*" to prove a point. Hopefully those who know me will vouch for my personality being absent of almost any prejudice you care to name.

But we've all got an achilles heel when it comes to bigotry. Even Gandhi himself had to have something that worked his last nerve. Mine is ginger kids (wouldn't be surprised if Gandhi's was the same). I'm sorry, but they creep me out. The boys all look like they've been sired by the same single ginger lothario, and the girls have the fieriest tempers known to man. In a cruel twist of fate, I'm of Scottish descent, meaning there's a high chance I'm a carrier of the gingervitis gene and my children will all be 'rangas. When it happens, I'll just leave it to my wife to explain why daddy gives firm handshakes instead of hugs and sits on the lounge and cries all night. Sorry, where was I?

That's right, Demon Witch Child. It's not bad enough for the poor police commissioner in this movie that his daughter is a ginger, but she also gets possessed by a woman who could be Monty Burns' body double. Logically speaking, ginger kids are no doubt easier for spirits to possess, due to them having one less layer of skin than us normal people.

Anyhow, ginger jokes aside, this Eurotrash cash-in of The Exorcist doesn't quite hit the "so bad it's good" mark, but it does provide enough creepy scenes and moments of pure blue castello grade cheese to make it worth at look for trashthusiasts (it's a perfectly cromulent word).

Marian Salgado is effectively creepy as Susan, the police commissioner's daughter, (being ginger and weird looking probably helped in that regard) but she really is a poor man's version of Reagan MacNeil. Susan's 'possessed' behaviour ranges from petulant tantrums through to a thorough grilling of Father Juan where she accuses him of being either "queer or impotent". Nice! However it's not a patch on Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Pure genius to turn the c-word into an intensifying modifier! Then again, Reagan MacNeil was possessed by a proper demon, whereas Susan is only possessed by a post-menopausal, balding hag.

Julian Mateos as Father Juan is the second-rate priest you'd get when Father Karras is unavailable for exorcisms (or bar mitzvah's). His own personal demons apparently stem from a former fiancee whom he left to join the seminary. Unlike Karras, who is tortured by the death of his mother, Father Juan seems pretty nonplussed that his former fiancee has turned into a filthy hoor. Probably happy he dodged a bullet there. High five!

On one hand the repeated knock-offs from The Exorcist detract from the movie, but on the other they also provide motivation to keep watching the film to see which watered down Exorcist scene you'll see next. We get a fairly good rip-off of the head spinning scene, but some fairly lame copies of the house succumbing to Susan's demonic possession. What kind of demon assaults someone by throwing stuffed toys at them? Really? What's all that about?

It's not all bargain basement Exorcist rip-offs, though. Not being tied to a bed provides Susan the opportunity to escape the house and cause some mischief. Her climb "down" the house's side wall probably sounded good on paper, but on film the budgetary restrictions make the effort look as hammy as the old Batman TV wall climbs. However this escape does lead to one of Demon Witch Child's most effective cringe-inducing scenes: the spaying of the pipe-smoking(yes!) reporter boyfriend of Susan's babysitter, followed by Susan presenting the babysitter with the member as a neatly-wrapped gift. Ooch-ouch! But to counter the goodwill from that encounter, Susan's stock move of killing people by choking them gets old after the first ruptured trachea (I'm sure she choked the boyfriend first too, yawn).

The effects in Demon Witch Child are adequate for a movie that is less about gore and more about creepy moments. Some people might be creeped out by Susan's transformation into an 8 year old version of the old witch, complete with receding hairline, but the fact that she was no longer a ginger kid for these scenes probably eased the pressure on me.

There's not much by way of skin, and it was a movie that could have done with some nudie witch rituals to spice things up, however we do get a highlight for the Peter Griffin Sideboob Hour:

The final showdown between the good priest and the evil possessed girl doesn't quite send the film out with a bang and is really a half-assed culmination of the half-assed scenes leading up to the denouement. The fact that I wanted to see Father Juan take on the possessed child with a giant UV lamp didn't help my dissatisfaction with the ending.

Demon Witch Child is not a bad movie, but its not a great one either. But if there's one good thing to come out of watching it, it's a realisation that maybe I should do something about my gingerphobia before it becomes all consuming. Or at least before my wife and I have any children.

Cost of box set - $59.95

Cost of this movie - $3.00

Verdict - Could only squeeze $1.50 in value out of this one (2.5 out of 5)

Pieces (1982)

2008-01-04T21:37:00.000+09:00

aka Mil Gritos Tiene la Noche

aka One Thousand Cries Has the Night

Director: J. Piquer Simon

Writers: John Shadow (aka Joe D'amato aka Aristide Massaccesi) and Dick Randall

Producers: Dick Randall and Steve Minasian

Executive Producer: Edward L. Montoro

Part of St Clair Entertainment's Cult Horror Collection 9 movie box set.

Plot Synopsis: A young boy murders his mother with an axe after she finds him completing a stick jigsaw puz zle in his room. At a college campus 40 years later, someone is killing off horny young co-eds with a chainsaw and using the pieces to create their own macabre human jigsaw puzzle. The police send in their best undercover cop/tennis professional to find out just who is behind these grisly murders? The anatomy professor? The chainsaw wielding gardener? The Dean of the college? His secretary? The college 'stud'? Some random, short, bearded dude who got in the way of this shot?

Musings: Oh yes! This is the pinnacle of European trash cinema. Whenever you see the name Joe D'Amato attached to a film you are almost guaranteed to get some bang for your exploitation buck! This movie gets a big blast from the spice weasel from me... BAM!!

Pieces has a plot lifted straight from an episode of "Scooby Doo, Where Are You", with characters and dialogue so dumb we'd be looking at single digit returns on the Weschler Scale.

Edmund Purdom plays the Dean of the college with such little conviction, one could be forgiven for thinking he was an uncle of Keanu Reeves. Ian Sera is the square peg that is supposed to fit into the round hole of Kendall the college stud. Lynda Day George hams it up as Mary Riggs the undercover cop/tennis pro (only Massaccesi could have come up with that combo - and she's no Mary Pierce either). Bluto, sorry Paul L. Smith oafs it up as Willard, the lumbering groundskeeper. Only Playgirl centrefold Christopher George plays the film right, with his tongue firmly in his cheek as the hard-boiled, chain cigar smoking Lt. Bracken.

~~Despite~~, no wait, because of the film's obvious shortcomings, it is a heart warming favourite of mine. The dialogue is often so asinine that it transcends stupidity and crosses that fine line into the realm of genius. And lets not forget the buckets of blood and gore.

Yes, there is just enough blood on display to satisfy gorehounds, but for every half decent splatter effect (the shower sequence above, the waterbed sequence with the knife through the head), there are some oh, so terrible, lazy effects (the opening axe murder where the axe bounces off the actresses head, the elevator sequence with the rubbery arm that falls off as soon as the chainsaw hits it... oh, and the chainsaw wasn't even on).

Gratuitous violence and lashings of female nudity alone does not a great piece of entertainment make (granted, it can help, a lot), so what makes this movie so special? Pieces contain some mind boggling scenes that trash enthusiasts like me love, and those in search of a coherent movie love to hate. For example:

The killer must hung like Johnny Wadd. How else can he stroll around a university campus with a chainsaw tucked under his trenchcoat and not raise any suspicion?
Riggs is an undercover cop and somehow finds the time to be a pro tennis star? And Lt. Bracken partners her up with Kendall, who's not even a cop?
Just what is the point of that sequence where the skater girl runs into the large mirror being carried by the removalists? What happens to her anyway?
Riggs gets kung fu'ed by an assailant who promptly collapses. Turns out he's a professor of kung fu and blames the attack on "bad chop suey"(!).
Kendall, the college 'stud', accompanies Riggs home and tries to pick up her up with a lame rendition of, "Aren't you making coffee?" How does he ever get any from all the horny co-eds? He must be sponsored by Rohypnol.
Cigar toting Lt. Bracken barks orders at his offsider, and then asks, "Now will you please give me a match?", to which his offsider replies that he doesn't smoke. My money is on this being an ad-lib during the dubbing process, the quote is that left field.
The horny co-ed who gets killed in the shower sequence pees herself on camera. How often do you see on-screen pee? I tip my hat to thee, Mr Massaccesi!
The aftermath to the pool sequence, where Lt. Bracken asks the anatomy professor whether the dismembered corpse in front of him could have been cut up with a chainsaw, then points at the blood soaked saw next to the pile of parts and adds, "Like that one there?".

The 4:3 version of Pieces included in the St Clair Cult Horror Box Set isn't the greatest transfer, but it's good enough for the less discerning. Most of the gore scene seem intact, which is the best you can ask for from some of these box set deals.

The Final Word - Pieces is pure cinematic gold, my friends. If you're looking for a scary horror movie with believable characters and a witty plot, you could do much, much better (i doubt you'd be reading this blog if you were). If you're looking for laughable dialogue, some cheap gore effects and jaw droppingly bizarre sequences you're not likely to see in today's Hollywood schlockbusters, you could do much, much worse. My verdict? It's groin grabbingly good!

Cost of box set - $13.95
Cost of this movie - $1.55
Verdict - Best $1.55 I ever spent! (5 out of 5)

Starts and beginnings...

2008-01-03T16:17:00.000+09:00

Okay, this isn't a review (still working on that side of things), more of an introduction to what you can expect from this blog.

I'm an almost lifelong horror film fan, in fact my earliest film memory involves me sneaking glimpses of Dad's VHS rental copy of The Evil Dead when I was 5. There was a short period where even the sight of horror video sleeves would cause me to just about soiled my pants myself in fear and shit, (but then again I also had an unexplained fear of television station logos when I was a kid, go figure), but things returned to normal service after an introduction to the Elm St series at the age of 11.

Horror movies kick arse. As a young 'un, I enjoyed the vampire genre, growing up when Fright Night and the Lost Boys were big helped. After that, the slasher genre provided me with ample (mostly comical) gore scenes and gratuitous nudity to see me through my hormone fuelled mid-teens. At 16, I finally saw the original Dawn of the Dead. Since then I've been a shill for a good zombie movie. I'll still take a zombie movie over any other genre any day of the week.

About 18 months ago I picked up the excellent book Eaten Alive! which opened my eyes to the wider Italian zombie and cannibal genres. Although living in Perth, Western Australia, the most isolated capital city in the world (Auckland is not a capital city) made it slightly difficult to get my hands on these visionary treats.

A trip to Melbourne, more specifically the mini-world of wonder and treasures known as Minotaur opened my eyes to a new world of cinematic experiences. My first visit to the store netted me the Cult Horror Collection 9 movie box set including Deep Red, Night of Bloody Horror and the creme de la creme, Pieces. The collection set me back the princely sum of $13.95 (Australian dollars, that's like $0.30 US).

I should add at this point that I'm also an accountant, so the concept of purchasing obscure horror movies at bargain basement prices caused my tight-arsed heart to flutter.

A subsequent trip netted me the 20 movie Grindhouse Collection box set for $60. I'm now officially hooked on el cheapo box sets. They're like a happy meal for the eyes. You know there's very little nutritional value in them, they're pretty cheesy, but you can't knock the price, and they're exceptional for curing hangovers. Okay, maybe not that last one so much.

However, one downside to these box sets is that some movies are so obscure, there's very little information or critical analysis of these movies on-line. This is where this semi-regular little blog will hopefully step in. But I also reserve the right to throw in reviews of either not so obscure, or not so cheap movies as and when I can be bothered.

Heat up the popcorn, grab a beer (or a softy), get the arse groove on the couch ready and prepare yourself for critiques of some of the cheapest, most forgotten movies on offer.